weight is but a number?

Aw, shit. The time has come again when the overwhelming urge to weigh myself has consumed me. I really don't think I can handle the disappointment that number is inevitably going to bring me, even though I have been on a strict under 1500 calorie a day diet, have been eating extremely healthy and balanced meals for the most part, and have been working out for an hour a day five days a week. I almost forgot how much discipline I have when I really put my mind to something.

Two days ago was my birthday and it was completely lackluster, but I got a blender/food processor so now I get to make my own breakfast smoothies and hummus. WAHOO!



I feel like I climbed Mt. Everest.

Okay, not really, but the dress I bought in Seattle on January 24th which was so tight I couldn't move in it now fits me perfectly with ample breathing room! Still, the dress is completely formal and I have nowhere to wear it. But it's so beautifully vintage.

It's week three of my new healthy lifestyle and I feel great, aside from the fact that I go to bed hungry ever night, which I think is contributing to my nightmares. This week I've decided to kick up my fitness routine five extra minutes. That's 40 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the treadmill. I should also start doing squats and lunges, but seriously I need a personal trainer to coach me through those.

I kind of wish I knew how much weight I've lost, but every time I weigh myself, I have a panic attack. I can't stop listening to Julian Casablancas and La Roux.

Also, I've decided that I CAN NOT buy any articles of clothing for quite some time. I have 25 dresses and 15 skirts. What. The. Fuck. Clearly, I am a compulsive shopper.


You can hide underneath me and come out at night.

"Boats and Birds" by Gregory and the Hawk reminds me of Lauren, drug addiction, my nineteenth birthday and sobbing on the floor of my bathroom. Maybe I should turn this off. Introspective. Can't decide if it pains me more to think about the past or to think about the future.

Other music news, Julian Casablancas is a solo artist? I like it, a lot.

I wish my stomach didn't always hurt, I wish the e-mails I sent responding to Craigslist posts will get me part-time jobs that won't give me panic attacks about having no time to complete my schoolwork. Five courses, a thesis to finish, GREs to begin studying for, gym five days a week, a boyfriend and a job? I think I can, I think I can. I should give myself more credit, but I like to wallow.

I want to do homework now, but my mind is occupied with things that should be less important than my education but are totally taking mental priority. I wish I wasn't so melodramatic. I wish my boyfriend didn't think I was a brat. But I suppose I am a brat. I'll rest on my "but I'm an only child, god damn it" excuse. Works for me.


Weight Loss

I need to kick myself into high gear and start waking up early on Wednesday morning to work out. This would entail waking up at around 8, getting to Rider at 8:30, working out until 9:30, getting home at about 9:50, then speed-showering and eating breakfast. Can I do it? Can I? Can I? I feel like I will just end up pressing the snooze button, but in order to lose weight, guidelines say that you have to work out for 50 minutes, 5 days a week. WAH, WAH.

Foods I absolutely MUST purchase the next time I go to the grocery store:

Extra-Firm Tofu
Baby Spinach
Omega-3 Egg Beaters

I feel like my boyfriend is going to be pissed at me because of this new health-kick that I'm on. I just wish he would eat salmon and tofu with me.

I'm going thrift shopping this Friday and my goal is to find a jean jacket.


I just came to the realization that I stole my mom's Windsor Pilates DVD and can thus work out from home tomorrow morning! How joyous!



Inspired to be the skinniest Alex I can be. No, not really. But I have been working DAMN hard for the past week on eating super healthy and balanced meals, not snacking at night and I have been sweating my ass off on the eliptical. I haven't been on that godforsaken thing in about a year, but the treadmill hasn't been doing shit. I feel like I've accomplished so much more when I leave the gym bright red and drenched in sweat. Glamorous.

I've been ITCHING to dye my hair recently, as I've been flooded with images of cute redheads and chocolate brown babes. I haven't dyed my hair since the spring, which was when I only dyed it brown to get the faded blonde bits out. So sad. I know I should stick with what my momma gave me, but it's so BORING, I CAN NOT STAND IT. I think I'd be safest going a couple shades darker with a hint of red. Like a dark chocolately cherry. Clearly, I'm always thinking about food.

I've also been obsessing over Lookbook and street fashion and just everything fashion-related and I want to die because I have no money and can't buy anything so I am thrifting my face off this Friday.

These are some looks I've seen that I adore.

Just like this because I own this skirt and thought this ensemble was an interesting way of showcasing it.

Diane Kruger is flawless in this dress.

I love Europeans and black, red and white.

Must invest in black fedora.

I just love Liz.

God, I just love everything about this. Blackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

I wish Red Light Vintage existed in Princeton, NJ instead of Seattle, WA. Sobs. Can't wait to wear my perfectly-fitting vintage dress on my birthday. It's super fancy, but I'm a god damn princess and will wear as I please on the anniversary of my blessed birth.